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I'm screaming at the doctor to STOP, STOP, STOP! Yet I couldn't get the doctor to hear me over the loud sound of the vacuum...

Abortion Story: Spring Arbor, MI

Submitted to Abort73 by a 55-year-old woman on October 4, 2014.

It was the mid 1970's. Abortionists at that time told the lie that it wasn't a baby. It's a glob of blood cells. It has no form and no life. I, along with so many others, believed that it just didn't matter because it wasn't alive. Besides, I was 16-years-old with a child already. It was the hardest time ever taking care of a child while I was wanting/needing to be taken care of myself. My boyfriend at the time (later my husband) was just as young, and we were struggling to care for the baby we had. There was no way to think about another baby. So I made that appointment—because I really believed there was no life to the fetus. I honestly had no emotions going in. It is weird how during and after, I still felt this great sense of loss. I cannot explain how I felt. However, I made that same appointment two more times I'm sad to admit. Each time was harder, but l I still walked down that hall to the awaiting sterilized table. As time goes by, it's like a popcorn kernel you just can't get out of your tooth, and it just bugs the heck out of you. As more knowledge of fetal life was brought to light—like the film "Silent Scream”—I began to realize the three little lives I had growing inside of me had just been thrown into a sterilized garbage can. I began to hear babies crying in my sleep. I would dream about the three of them. The thoughts came and went over the years. It was as if they were alive in most of the dreams. However, one night the dream was more real than any before. I lay on a table and all of a sudden I'm looking down inside my stomach. There was my baby just holding on to my ribs screaming, “Mommy, make them turn off the machine!” Over and over it’s crying. I'm screaming at the doctor to STOP, STOP, STOP! Yet I couldn't get the doctor to hear me over the loud sound of the vacuum. The machine got closer and closer to the baby and finally he/she lost their grip and was swallowed by the machine. It was horrible. I woke up drenched in sweat crying out, “Stop, stop, stop!” I cannot describe how I felt. The dream kept playing out over and over in my head. I cried out to God to help me. I felt I should go to prison for those three lives I took. One day, as I was praying for God to forgive me and help me forgive myself, I clearly heard Him say, “They are here with me, and I have named them: Rebecca, Daniel and Selah. I was crying, "Oh my God, is that really you?" All of a sudden, I felt the greatest peace I've ever known come over me and fill my heart. The dreams have now stopped. For the most part, the guilt and shame have ceased. I now look forward to that day when I shall see Jesus. He will bring my three children to meet me—and their daddy if he gets there first. We will meet them officially for the first time. I look forward to that day when it's time. I’m so thankful to serve a God of forgiveness. He's a restorer of my joy. Heaven is filled with all those babies who will one day meet their mommy and daddy. It will be a day of great joy for me and so many others that get to meet them for the very first time. God is so good!

Age: 55
Location: Spring Arbor, MI
Date: October 4, 2014

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