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Abortion Story: California

Submitted to Abort73 by a 21-year-old woman on December 6, 2013.

I fell in love with my high school sweetheart. We dated from the beginning of our sophomore year until our senior year. At the beginning of our senior year we had a falling out, and I lost my way. I met a 27-year-old, (who lied and told me he was 19). Naive and young, I sadly believed him. We had consensual intercourse a couple times. Within a couple weeks, I found his profile on MySpace which he swore was a fake. It had his real age. I quickly began to realize that this guy was a psychopath. I immediately ended things and didn’t speak to him for a few weeks. Then one night, on January 15, 2010, my friends needed a ride somewhere. I argued with my friend for some time but eventually gave in. This guy promised a ride to them if I was present. That night, I was raped. Yes, you read correctly. Raped. I will spare the details of that because this is an abortion regret website and not a rape website.

Here's where my story gets interesting. I found out I was pregnant four and a half weeks later. Exactly three days after my missed period. I was 17, pregnant and suddenly at the bottom of the largest mountain I would have to climb. I had a decision to make that tested my faith completely. I passed. I chose life.

My son is three today and is the most beautiful miracle that has ever happened to me. He is healthy, happy and content—something I have always prayed for him. He is my sunshine, and I know I made the right choice. It is the choice that God wanted me to make and ultimately the choice that I wanted to make.

My high school sweet heart and I reunited a month after my son was born and, we became a family. We moved in with each other and my broken self seemed to be on the mend, finally. We had been together for nine months when I found out I was pregnant. I felt a mixture of emotions. I was happy to be carrying a child with a man I loved, whom loved me back. But most of what I was feeling was fear—fear of my high school sweetheart changing his mind about our little family because let's face it, our circumstance was anything but normal.

I got an ultrasound at 5 weeks, and the lady who was performing my ultrasound told me that my “fetus” did not yet have a heartbeat. Now remember, this is your normal OBGYN office—not an abortion clinic. I felt like I suddenly had an answer to all of my fears, doubts and questions with that one, simple statement.

By the time I had my abortion appointment, I was 7 weeks along. I had yet another ultrasound done and asked if the baby had a heartbeat. For some reason, I couldn't call my baby a fetus. I was informed that my baby did in fact have a heartbeat. That was enough for me. Suddenly, all I could think about was the little life I had inside of me with it's fluttering little heartbeat. I left Planned Parenthood and did not have the abortion.

Outside in the car was my high school sweet heart, crying—while holding and soothing my son back to sleep. That was the first time I had ever seen my boyfriend cry. Before I went into the building, I was under the impression that this abortion is what he wanted as well. When I told him that I couldn't go through with it, he was just as happy as I was.

This is where my nightmare began. Over the next few weeks, we discussed the reality of our situation—barely 19 with two children. He was scared and rightly so, but because he was scared, I was petrified. I suddenly had all of those same doubts and fears but multiplied! I scheduled another abortion appointment, this time at 9 weeks. I literally feel nauseous at this moment, as I type this out.

It is two years since my abortion, and I still wake up in cold sweats from the nightmares that occur often. It's midnight here in California, and I somehow found myself on this website. Upon reading other entries, I knew what had to be done. If I could save just one child's life—because that's what "it" is, a child and not a "fetus”—then I will write about my regret until my fingers become numb and are no longer able to move. I regret my decision every second. Every breath I take, I breathe with regret. I am appalled by myself and hate myself for what I have done.

I ended up marrying the man of my dreams, my high school sweetheart. It appears to the outside world that we are your perfect, happy family. But this is not the case. I am simply stuck. I don't know how to become un-stuck. What do I do?

Age: 21
Location: California
Date: December 6, 2013

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