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Abortion Story: New Jersey

Submitted to Abort73 by a 20-year-old woman on June 13, 2013.

Like many other women who have posted their stories, I regret my abortion with every bone in my body. I was almost 17 when I found out I was pregnant and was not in the best of relationships. My ex was controlling, and from the minute I told him I was pregnant, he made it clear he did not want this baby. He would tell me I looked fat and disgusting and that I couldn't keep a baby because I would be a horrible mother. He made me feel like it was my fault I got pregnant and made me feel guilty about being pregnant. He made it clear that if I kept the baby, he wanted nothing to do with me or our child. I cried all the time and felt so lonely. He made me feel like aborting my baby would be the only way out of my constant sadness. I eventually told my mom who of course was not thrilled about the idea of me being pregnant. She told me the choice was up to me, but I could sense the utter disappointment in her voice, and I hate disappointing my mother or making her sad. So in order to please everyone else, I went ahead and got an abortion. It's the worst thing I've ever done.

At first I felt relieved because I didn't have to put up with the sadness and crying anymore. They say time heals all wounds but that is complete BS. As time went on, I started thinking about it more and more. Now I am with a man I love, who respects me, and is a father to a little boy. He is a great father and every time he talks about his son, it makes me so sad. Sometimes I have so much resentment and I'm so bitter towards him because he has his son, and I don't have my child. We talk about having our own family all the time, and while it makes me happy, it also makes me miserable because it brings back memories. It's almost 4 years later, and I'm right back to where I started: crying and being sad all the time. I wish I never did it. The regret, guilt, shame, and sadness that comes with it can sometimes be too much to bear. I would much rather have had my child and struggle to raise it on my own than to deal with this horrible, never-ending emotional pain. At least children bring joy to your life. Now I'm in college and desperately want to have a baby with my boyfriend, but I know that would be inappropriate because I'm just trying to replace the child I don't have, and it most likely wouldn't solve my problem. I feel like an emotional wreck!!

All I'm saying is if you end up with an unexpected pregnancy and you make the decision to abort, DON'T DO IT!!! If you have ever heard the saying that having a baby is easier than having an abortion, it is true. If I could redo it I would definitely choose my child because this emotional pain is excruciating. And you know what makes me feel even stupider about doing the abortion? My ex gave me a pit bull puppy to "make up" for my baby. I absolutely love my dog, but who in their right mind would think a dog could make up for a baby you were carrying—their baby at that, for 4 months?! Like I've said, I absolutely regret it, and now I'm always crying and feel like I'm missing something. Ladies, I beg you. If you're in a controlling relationship and fall pregnant, take you and your baby and get out quick. You deserve better, and you and your child deserve each other. This is what I wish I did.

Age: 20
Location: New Jersey
Date: June 13, 2013

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