Submitted to Abort73 by a 58-year-old woman on June 6, 2013.
I grew up in the late 60's and 70's. It was a liberating time or so I thought. Women were stepping forth and claiming equality, there was a peculiar essence in the air. I had stepped away from my Catholic upbringing in order to embrace this New World existence. Aside from all that I stated, I was being raised in a dysfunctional household filled with physical and verbal violence. As a young child I had wonderful aspirations. I loved to dance, wanted to learn the piano, enjoyed painting and truly loved writing. Somewhere in between the years, I developed a hopelessness and negative attitude. I just couldn't understand why I was born into a union that was so plagued by hypocrisy. At age, 14 I was introduced to heroin. By the age of 15, I was all about the next high. I didn't care what gave me the euphoric feeling as long as it worked. I married a wonderful man at 19. I quickly became disillusioned with this caring, loving man and met another. While still married to my husband, I became pregnant with child. I was far along but so malnourished from drug use that I had no idea. When I finally sought medical help, I believe I was numb and completely in denial. I was receiving methadone daily to keep me heroin free, but I started taking large amounts of valium and other meds to induce a great high. I talked with the staff at the clinic about the pregnancy and was told the valium caused birth defects during fetal development. Also, I wasn't positive who the father was. I went to a non-Catholic hospital in Manhattan and received a saline abortion. I can't begin to describe what happened that day. It was as though I had no control over my actions. Months after this occurred, I decided to join the military and just get away from everything that reminded me of how weak I was. Life rolled along and then several years later, I reunited with the possible father of my unborn child. He didn't want children because he said he wasn't capable of raising them properly so when I became pregnant on two other occasions I sought out Planned Parenthood. Through the divine love of My Lord and Savior, a young woman said to me before a procedure that there was a possibility my future pregnancies would self abort. I became pregnant again, but this time I followed through on the pregnancy. I had a beautiful son. I adored him and he gave me purpose. His father and I parted ways and I eventually married my present husband. In 2009, my oldest child died in his sleep from pain medications. Needless to say, after his death the memories came rushing back and I was convinced I had caused my child's demise. I think of my children frequently, I have difficulty in understanding myself during that time. I now volunteer at a Pro-life ministry although I have not shared why to this ministry. I believe that is between God and me. Since my son's passing I have searched for answers. In my heart, I believe my son was a gift from God who knew I wanted a child and needed someone to love me unconditionally. The death of my son has brought me full circle to Christ. If nothing else, I can say I filled my son with the love of God. He loved Jesus and he endured many hardships through his 25 years. Abortion not only takes the life of an innocent, it also kills the mother, slowly. I have confessed this sin, but it still lingers and I pray that I will be reunited with all my children one day.