Submitted to Abort73 by a -year-old woman on January 27, 2012.
Growing up as a teen, I remember being very depressed and angry. I became promiscuous at a very young age, looking for someone to love me. At the age of 19, I became pregnant. I knew my life was about to change drastically, but I didn't expect what came next. I was strongly encouraged to abort. This scared me. Abortion was far from my mind. Every part of me knew abortion was wrong and every part of me wanted the child inside of me. I knew the child's father was gripped with fear. I too had my own fears but none so great that I didn't want my baby. After many discussions and many tears, I decided to keep this child. But I was left alone, abandoned, hurt, confused and eventually very angry, not knowing what I was going to do or how I would make it, just knowing that I had too. This is where the trauma in regards to abortion began to affect my life.
During my pregnancy, the baby's father soon returned so that we could try and work things out. I was so angry inside but felt obligated to try. I felt tossed to and fro. Hearing on one side “abort” and hearing on another “keep your baby,” nobody ever asking me how I was doing or how I felt. It was one of the most difficult experiences I have went through.
Later, those around me began to look forward to what was coming, but I couldn't seem to come out of the trauma of being asked to kill my baby. I felt so alone and depressed. Only the excitement of seeing my baby kept me going. No one knew the pain I felt inside except that anger would manifest periodically.
Soon after my son was born, I became pregnant again. This time I was told if I wanted to keep the baby, it was my choice. But this time, thoughts of keeping my baby were far from my mind, and abortion seemed to be the immediate answer. I had become so numb and angry, I couldn't even feel love towards my second child. I felt so alone during the pregnancy of my first child that this time, fear gripped me, and I couldn't even think of trying to go through it again. Having a child seemed to me to be (a painful experience) something that brought on rejection and sadness, and although I tried to wear a smile on my face, I didn't want to be sad anymore. So by what is called “choice,” I had an abortion, which in reality was no “choice” at all. It was the fact that now I was gripped with the fear of having a similar experience that lead me into my wrong decision.
The affects of those two experiences caused me not to be able to stay in the relationship. Not only was I struggling inside, but now my son was being separated from his father which was devastating. I was completely out of the relationship at the age of 22.
The affects of the abortion didn't stop there. I continued on in life, not knowing where I was headed. Every relationship and every decision I made seemed to be wrong. I married someone else at the age of 24/25 and lost 4 more children. One which was a tubal pregnancy and three were due to the stress of physical, emotional and verbal abuse I endured. I went deeper and deeper into depression and I began to drink heavily during my son's visits with his father. At the age of 27, with the help of two new co-workers (who began praying for me), I was able to escape from this relationship, being left with nervous breakdowns.
Later that year, I cried out to God to change my life. If He didn't, I knew I would die. I didn't know Him and I didn't know what I was asking. All I knew was that I was desperate and I had no one else to go to. The two co-workers didn't give up on me, but I didn't know what they were up to. I didn't know this Jesus they would try and talk to me about.
I started attending church here and there with one of the co-workers for some time and than eventually began attending faithfully. It seemed the altar was my only safe place and I cried there for over a year every Sunday, not understanding at the time that He was healing me.
By this time now, my son was about 7 or 8 years old. One night as we were getting ready to fall asleep, he asks me, “Mom, is it true that you had an abortion? Would I have had a sister or a brother?” This is when the healing process began for me in regards to this abortion. That night I shared with my son how I had been forgiven. I also asked him to forgive me. He went to bed sad, but he seemed to understand that we had a new life now (with Jesus). He fell asleep and when he did, I wept. That night God did a deep healing in me. He took all the guilt and shame away.
Five years later I married, but now in the will of God. After a year and a half into my marriage I miscarried again, but this time I believe it had to do with all the trauma that had taken place in my womb. But I knew my life had now changed and I seemed to have hope.
Three years into our marriage, God began to speak to me that a child was coming and how He was going to heal my womb. Nine months later I became pregnant. There were no complications and I even worked for seven months during this pregnancy. She is our miracle.
Through all that had been taken from me, God gave me a new beginning. Not only did He heal my heart from the losses and abuse but He blessed me with a husband who loves me and He also healed my womb.
Date: January 27, 2012
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